{"id":1703,"date":"2012-12-20T08:00:04","date_gmt":"2012-12-20T13:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/njcts.org\/tsparents\/?p=1703"},"modified":"2012-12-20T08:00:04","modified_gmt":"2012-12-20T13:00:04","slug":"talking-with-your-children-about-the-sandy-hook-school-shooting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/njcts.org\/tsparents\/talking-with-your-children-about-the-sandy-hook-school-shooting\/","title":{"rendered":"Talking with your children about the Sandy Hook school shooting"},"content":{"rendered":"

NOTE: The following was posted by Dr. Leslie E. Packer on the TSPlus Blog<\/strong><\/a> on December 15 and is being republished her with kind permission.<\/em><\/p>\n

Last week’s tragic events in Newtown, Connecticut, are all over the news. At times like this, parents often ask how they can help their children cope and how to talk to them about something that we can\u2019t fully wrap our own heads around. So here are some tips on how to talk with your child:<\/p>\n

1. Start the conversation.<\/strong> \u00a0If you don\u2019t start the conversation, their first source of information may frighten them more. \u00a0Start by asking them if they have heard anything about what happened at an elementary school on Friday.<\/p>\n

Avoid asking, \u201cHave you heard about the tragic \u00a0shooting at a school?\u201d or anything that would start out by elevating the level of emotion. \u00a0If they say they\u2019ve heard something, ask them what they\u2019ve heard and then begin to calmly tell them the facts.<\/p>\n

You do not want to tell them everything at this point \u2013 providing too many details can flood the child and make them fearful.\u00a0Try to keep your emotions in check so as not to overwhelm your child. \u00a0For some of us, this will be the hardest part as we have been crying ourselves and find this incomprehensible or overwhelming.<\/p>\n

At this point, you need to be focusing on your child and not your own feelings.\u00a0\u00a0Turn the TV off when your children are around<\/strong>\u00a0because if they see you responding to this with intense emotion and absorption, they will, too.<\/p>\n

2. Give them information that is age-appropriate for them.<\/strong> I would not tell pre-schoolers about the tragedy at all, but for elementary school-age children or older, tell them what happened: \u00a0a young man got into an elementary school and started shooting teachers and children. \u00a0You do not need to tell them right away how many children died. Wait to see if your child asks you.<\/p>\n

Take your cues from your child\u2019s reactions: If they ask you questions, answer them calmly, but do not give them more information than they are asking for at this point. This is your first conversation about what happened, and they may come back to you numerous times with other questions or concerns. \u00a0Each time, calmly answer their questions but do not give them more than what they are asking for.<\/p>\n

3. Give them an opportunity to express their feelings about what has happened<\/strong> and what you are telling them. Avoid implanting strong emotions. If you say, \u201cIt\u2019s tragic\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s so awful,\u201d your child will adopt your emotional response. \u00a0Do not be surprised if young children do not respond as strongly emotionally as you do. Their focus may be on \u201cHow does this affect me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Help\u00a0them express their emotion.\u00a0\u00a0Children can do things to express their own feelings and to offer comfort to others. \u00a0Would they like to do a drawing for themselves? Young children can often express and work through their emotion that way.<\/p>\n

Would they like to write \u201cSandy Hook\u201d on a balloon and then go to a beach or park and release the balloon to release their sadness? Older children may want to send a letter to the children of Sandy Hook to express sympathy or comfort and \u00a0can send letters to Sandy Hook, 912 Dickinson Dr., Sandy Hook, CT 06482.<\/p>\n

Or perhaps your child might\u00a0like to go plant something in your garden to remember and honor the children who died. We don\u2019t want to encourage them to overfocus on grief or worry, but do encourage them \u00a0to express their emotions and support them in a way that is appropriate for them. \u00a0 Do not\u00a0push<\/em>\u00a0your child to do any of these things, but be prepared to suggest them if your child seems to be having a difficult time expressing sad or worrying feelings.<\/p>\n

4.\u00a0Reassure your child that they will be kept safe.<\/strong> \u00a0This is probably the most important tip I can give you. It is understandable that your child might react by thinking, \u201cWhat if this happened in my school?\u201d \u00a0Tell your child that what happened in Newtown is a very unusual event and \u00a0that their school has always kept them safe and will continue to keep them safe.<\/p>\n

For older children, reassure them but you can add that all schools are working to learn from what happened in Newtown to make their own schools even safer. \u00a0If your child expresses concern about going back to school on Monday and wants you to take them, tell them that you will take them on Monday so they can see that their school is safe.<\/p>\n

5. \u00a0Be prepared.\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0Young children cannot hang on to sadness or intense feelings for long. After a few minutes, your child may ask, \u201cCan I go out and play\u201d or \u201cCan I go watch my show?\u201d That does not mean your child has no empathy. It means that they are doing what children do \u2013 thinking about themselves and their needs.<\/p>\n

So yes, let them go out and play or watch their show if you normally would. Remember that this is just your first conversation with them, and we do want them to learn that even when there\u2019s bad or sad news, life goes on. Keeping your child in their normal routine will help them cope with the news.<\/strong><\/p>\n

6. Monitor your child afterwards.<\/strong> \u00a0Many of our children have OCD, anxiety, or depressive symptoms already. \u00a0If your child appears to be thinking about the Newtown tragedy too much in the week or weeks to come, if they suddenly become more clingy or demanding, or if they resist going to school, \u00a0they may need more help coping with it.<\/p>\n

Keep the lines of communication open, but if you see significant mood or behavior changes, do not hesitate to contact your child\u2019s psychiatrist, psychologist, or pediatrician. \u00a0Their school psychologist can also be a helpful resource for children who are having difficulty coping.<\/p>\n

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