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Samstink & Deli-rious

The title is my bad attempt at reframing the Bible story of Samson and Delilah. For those of you who don’t know it, let me give you the quick recount:

  1. Samson is born with the gift of strength
  2. Samson is to use his gift for God
  3. Samson instead falls head over heels in love with a prostitute
  4. Samson reveals to this hoe that his strength lies in his hair
  5. While sleeping, said hoe cuts his hair
  6. Samson, weak and defenseless, is taken to prison where his eyes are gouged out
  7. Samson slowly grows back his hair, along with his strength
  8. Other inmates and guards, perhaps due to amazing prison food or cellmate Bible hour, don’t notice his hair getting longer
  9. During a pagan ritual, when Samson is marched out to be slaughtered, he puts his hands between two pillar posts and knocks down the temple, killing both himself and the everyone in it
  10. The Takeaway: If Samson had just listened to God, instead of that slut, life would have been better.

My version of Sunday’s events – Samstink & Deli-rious (me being delirious, Samstink being played by yours truly on the bike):

dom and sophia on bike

 

  1. Samstink is born with the gift of outrageous personality
  2. Samstink should be using his gift for God
  3. Samstink instead falls head over heels in love with all things Pokemon, BeyBlades, video game and comic book
  4. Samstink reveals his passion during Sunday school class and, rather than pay attention, sneaks in a Diary of a Wimpy Kid book during Bible hour. In addition, according to his sister the spy, he talks back incessantly to teachers. Said informant’s testimony is backed up by Samstink’s defiance to parents the whole drive home. (No, we did not get him a do-nut. No, we did not stop at the park. No, we did not get tacos and he would be forced to eat gluten free tuna sandwiches for lunch. Yes, we are awful parents.)
  5. Post-church, rather than hang at home and play videos, Mama forces long-haired, moppy Samstink to get a haircut
  6. Samstink, moaning and defenseless, cries as the locks are shorn, transforming him from disheveled homeless child to good Christian solider in twenty minutes flat
  7. Samstink vows to grow his hair back, along with his manners and gratitude
  8. Other family members, promising to remind him when he’s being argumentative, defiant and wearing food on his mouth, remind him of how much he is loved
  9. During a pagan routine, one that involves Mama sitting at her work desk by 7am an hour from home, gets an email from Samstink’s father. It features a photo of Samstink all ready for school with his new hair and clean clothes
  10. The Takeaway: If Samstink had just stopped acting like a defiant turd, his mama would never have had to resort to such evil measures

dom pic

THE FINAL PUNCH

Samstink, insisting his new hair was goofy, had the final word with his outfit. Because, you know, shiny blue crocs, nylon shorts, a polyester Mario shirt combined with a Scooby Doo hat and rainbow gloves is far more subtle than a haircut.

Mama’s takeaway: Short of dressing the kid herself, this mama is going to have to learn to pick her battles her battles  . dom and sophia post haircut

 

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