Hi. My name is Peyton and I\u2019m 22 years old. I know, I\u2019m a little old to be a blogger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wouldn\u2019t call myself a gamer\u2026 I will call you a gamer. I\u2019ll call everyone else a gamer. But I won\u2019t call myself a gamer\u2026 not because I\u2019m ashamed; I’m a very proud gamer. But more often, I call other people\u2026 \u201cGAMER!\u201d because it\u2019s a tic. I have tics. I have Tourette Syndrome. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But, what are tics? They are a large part of what defines Tourette\u2019s. Tics are involuntary movements and noises that people with Tourette\u2019s do. They can\u2019t control it. Well, sometimes they can. But it\u2019s hard. And when someone tries to suppress their tics, they usually come back worse. I don\u2019t usually try to suppress my tics. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But enough of \u201cthey\u201d. What about me? What is my experience with Tourette\u2019s? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s weird. I don\u2019t remember a lot of my early experiences with Tourette\u2019s. I had some problems with tics in school, but I was never a rude or \u201cbad\u201d kid. I did some things because of Tourette\u2019s, and other things were simply mistakes I made as a kid. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t remember having a hobby in elementary school. I don\u2019t remember what I wanted to be when I grew up. But I do remember when I started having anxiety\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In sixth grade, I remember starting to have trouble controlling my mouth. I mean, I would blurt out thoughts I was having, or something I thought would make people laugh\u2026 ah, now I remember: I liked making people laugh. I wanted to, and sometimes I did. I had been on stage telling jokes in elementary school; my older brother had done the same before me. But, when I tried to make people laugh in class, I sometimes interrupted the teacher. I remember I almost got a few lunch detentions because of that. That being said, my teachers didn\u2019t dislike me; I got along well with most of them. But I was trying to find the love and support of my peers, and I didn\u2019t know how to fill the empty well of anxiety inside me. The only way I thought I could get their attention was by making them laugh. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I went into high school, I continued to try to be funny, as a way to connect with my peers and feel joy inside. Sometimes it worked\u2026 sometimes I fell flat on my face; or, at least that\u2019s how it felt inside. I never again felt the courage to step again on the stage and tell a joke, like I did when I was younger. I didn\u2019t have the confidence to try to be a stand up comedian, even if that’s what I wanted. But, that doesn\u2019t mean I never stepped on stage again period. In eighth grade, I finally found a passion: Acting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It turns out I was still meant to be on stage, just in a different way. Acting made me feel excited; and the tics went away while I was onstage. I would still get nervous before and after a performance, but people assured me I was a good actor, and I knew I liked doing it. Plus, I made people laugh! The jokes were not my own, but still people laughed at the funny parts of my onstage antics. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In rehearsals, though, I still tried (and often failed) to make my peers laugh. Chasing \u201cfunny\u201d threw me into pit after pit of anxiety and depression. When my jokes fell flat or I annoyed people, I became despondent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
After I graduated high school, I stopped acting for a while. One year turned into two as I sat steeped in anxiety and wondering what had happened. In addition to tics, an OCD diagnosis and anxiety held me back. As I\u2019ve grown up, my tics have become less severe, but my OCD and anxiety have not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was lost for a while, and sometimes I still feel that way, but I have made some changes. I’m seeing a therapist virtually now, and I started medication earlier this year. Medication was something I once feared: would it suck out my creative soul and turn me into a zombie? Would the side effects be really bad? Luckily, neither of those are the case. After a few tries, I’ve found the right medication and am working on finding the right dose. My OCD is still bad sometimes, but I feel stronger and more hopeful than before. After briefly attending and then dropping out of college in 2020, I’m going back to pursue acting! Progress is slow, but things are getting better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Life with a neurological disability can be hard. I wish I had found the right therapy and medication sooner. But I can’t change the past. I can shape my future, though. Medication might not work for you. Therapy might. Or, you might need to do both. Either way, being alone isn’t the answer. If you, dear reader, are alone, finding friends or a support network like NJCTS could really help you. It may take time, but any small change you can make to your life could be very beneficial. And if you feel like no one is there for you, I am, dear reader. I\u2019m still finding my way. I hope you find yours. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
– Peyton<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I was trying to find the love and support of my peers, and I didn\u2019t know how to fill the empty well of anxiety inside me. Continue Reading