While growing up in two different places, I never really stood out in the crowd. I was\u00a0just normal, in a good way I suppose, and I didn\u2019t think much of it. Although I feared new environments due to my shyness, I was soon in America by the age of three. I spent five full\u00a0and fun years and went back to Korea. As I recall I was very organized, did all my work, and\u00a0focused perfectly well. Those were probably the few reasons why I didn\u2019t expect myself to be\u00a0in the position that I was, and still am now. I don\u2019t think that I will forget the three years of\u00a0my Tourette Syndrome experiences.<\/p>\n
To begin with, I had never even heard of the word Tourette\u2019s<\/em> before I started to have\u00a0tics. I don\u2019t remember when it first started. I don\u2019t think you can have tics, the constant movements or noises I make, all of a sudden. It might have happened slowly, but it also could\u00a0have been rushed through, too. One thing I clearly remember is the time my mom and dad told\u00a0me we were going to the doctor\u2019s when I was eleven years old. They weren\u2019t very specific, but\u00a0I already suspected it was because of my head-shaking and eye-rolling. \u201cBut why?\u201d I asked.\u00a0When my dad answered the question, I started to yell that I would not<\/em> go. That I was not\u00a0<\/em>mentally ill. But I had to, and I did. After waiting for an hour and half, (it was a very good\u00a0and big hospital) and within minutes I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. It was too much\u00a0information that I did not\u00a0understand at that point.<\/p>\n Although this post is not going to be purposely overly depressing, the first years were\u00a0<\/em>probably the hardest. It was when the truth hit me hard. My condition was worse than right now. Then, I had to accept the fact that I was \u201cdifferent.\u201d Every time I looked around, I saw\u00a0people. People just sitting, writing, laughing, playing. All doing so while staying still. But\u00a0me? Why couldn\u2019t I do the same? My Tourette Syndrome medicines increased to a high dose,\u00a0and I started receiving antidepressants. I would have to answer the embarrassing question\u00a0whenever I met someone: \u201cWhy do you do that?\u201d There were a few times when some\u00a0disturbing boys just had to imitate me, and I would get very emotional at those times. I would\u00a0cry. I was never the one in control when it came to my tics. I was insecure enough\u2015and I\u00a0didn\u2019t need them to point out the facts for me. And some days it was kind of annoying and\u00a0depressing, unfair and just sad. For so many reasons, really. I hated when people who I didn\u2019t\u00a0even know stared at me as if I were strange, abnormal. I didn\u2019t like how someone would judge me before they would even get to know me. It was inevitable, though. People would see my\u00a0Tourette\u2019s before they would see me. I didn\u2019t like it.<\/p>\n Whenever I would share these kind of moments to adults, my doctor, parents, I felt like\u00a0they would never fully, completely understand. I would spill the words out from my heart\u00a0sometimes, but some days I would seal my mouth shut. I could never share these experiences\u00a0to any of my Tourette\u2019s-inexperienced friends, not even to my closest ones. They would never\u00a0really get it. Even now, I\u2019ve never really talked to them about it other than tell them about it.\u00a0I knew that everyone was always there for me. But in a way, they weren\u2019t because they would\u00a0never truly know how it feels.<\/p>\n I sometimes admit that I think I have had a lot to benefit from having Tourette\u00a0Syndrome. For example, I see more in people than I had before. I know what it\u2019s like to be\u00a0depressed. I understand how hard it is to be so hateful toward your own self. I know how\u00a0sometimes, you don\u2019t want to get out of bed; you just want to sleep forever. I also know that\u00a0I\u2019m no different than others. Our differences make us who we are.<\/p>\n But if you\u2019re thinking having Tourette\u2019s isn\u2019t painful, or maybe not that<\/em> bad let me tell you that you won\u2019t want to have it. People stare. Your neck will hurt, and you\u2019ll pretend to\u00a0roll your neck naturally in school\u2014oh, I\u2019m just stretching<\/em>\u2014afraid people will notice. Anyone can use it against you; from petty girls to \u201cEveryone likes me so I\u2019m a good person\u201d type of\u00a0boys. It can be genetic, but in my case none of my parents had it. I could make a list of\u00a0reasons why I don\u2019t want it. When I look back at the past, I was a very sad third-grader. I was\u00a0always stressed. I was this normal, popular girl in America, and when I came to Korea, I\u00a0suddenly had these stupid, severe tics. I mostly cried everyday, and screamed a lot, too. I\u00a0continued to read a lot. I only enjoyed reading English books, and it was one of my few\u00a0remedies. I had only a few girl friends. Most of my friends were boys. I didn\u2019t care though,\u00a0until I got to fourth grade.<\/p>\n It was the first day of school in fourth grade, and as soon as I walked into the\u00a0classroom, I was screwed. First of all, my tics were in bad condition. Especially my vocal tics,\u00a0which are the sound tics. Second, I barely knew anyone in the classroom. \u2018Forget good first\u00a0impressions,\u2019 I thought to myself. Almost everyone knew each other, which was very awkward\u00a0for me. When I got to my seat I waited until my teacher came and until everyone was in the\u00a0classroom. I still remember this, and I almost died of embarrassment, but I kept on clearing\u00a0my throat. A boy, who was the most popular boy in our class later on, suddenly called out,\u00a0\u201cWho\u2019s making that weird sound?\u201d At the time no one knew except for me. Later on,\u00a0everyone probably figured it out. It did not stop the girls from staring or constantly asking me\u00a0why I was doing it or what I was doing.<\/p>\n I have recently watched a video called \u201cI Have Tourette\u2019s but Tourette\u2019s Doesn\u2019t Have\u00a0Me.\u201d I saw some things I already knew, one of them was there is at least one child with\u00a0Tourette\u2019s in every school in the U.S<\/em>. It was one of those facts that I had to remind myself. In\u00a0the video, I saw children between the ages of six to thirteen with Tourette\u2019s. I found myself\u00a0relating to them, especially a boy named Seth and a girl named Anna. When I heard her talking\u00a0about seeking true friends, I ached because I remembered how bad I longed for a true friend\u00a0for years. I cried while seeing Anna pounding her stomach, seeing her cry, scream, and talk. I\u00a0cried because I saw myself. I cried because I felt her pain.<\/p>\n Even today, I am sensitive about my Tourette\u2019s. I think it\u2019s because knowing that I\u2019m\u00a0no different, and feeling like it are two different things. However, I am more truthful about it\u00a0now. I have told a few of my friends what I have, because I think it is wise to. My doctor, thinks that I should tell my friends, too. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll have to lie about it again.\u00a0I am not embarrassed anymore.\u00a0I previously had one incident, caused by my Tourette\u2019s last year. It made me feel so\u00a0many emotions at once and I quickly burst into tears. I don\u2019t want to cry for something that is\u00a0not even worthy of my tears. It\u2019s been done too many times. I know my tics aren\u2019t going to\u00a0suddenly go away. I don\u2019t expect them to. I know it takes time. I don\u2019t have any stress or\u00a0depression. I think the stress was one of the harder stages. I will continue to find my way, and\u00a0the more I do, I think the more I will accept my Tourette Syndrome.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" While growing up in two different places, I never really stood out in the crowd. I was\u00a0just normal, in a good way I suppose, and I didn\u2019t think much of it. Although I feared new environments due to my shyness,… Continue Reading