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It’s tough having so little control of my body

Had a rough night over the weekend. I went out to dinner with my friends and then went to their room to hang out, and all night my tics were really rough. It was the first time in about a year or more that I have cried about having TS.

I have a new tic where I say “I hate you.” I was clearly upset by this tic and was having a rough night in the first place, but then this guy who I’m kind of friends with but not close to said, “You should really try to change that tic” in reference to my “I hate you” tic.

This really hit me hard. I’m usually not very sensitive about these kinds of things, but I’ve never had someone suggest that I should try to change a tic. It really made me mad and emotional in general. If I could change the tic or choose not to say a certain thing, then why the heck would I be saying it in the first place?

If I could just choose which tics I could have or not have, then why would I choose to hit myself in the chest and stomach until I was in pain? Why would I choose to shout and make noises in class? Why would I choose to say things like “No” and “I hate you”?

I knew I was going to break down crying in a few minutes, so I quickly said I was going to go back to my room and left. I went back to my room and cried. Then my other friend who I’m very close to came and knocked on my door.

I’m really glad he realized I was upset and came over to talk because I really needed that. He knew something was wrong and asked and I told him. I told him that what the guy said to me hurt. I told him that I can’t just change my tics and that I can’t control it, things he already knew.

I told him how the comment pointed out in an all to poignant way to me how little control I have. He offered to stay with me and talk until I felt better, but I told him I just took some medicine and was going to sleep, but I really just wanted to be alone.

He also offered to go to brunch with me. That I took him up on. All in all, it was an emotional Valentine’s Day, a day where I truly felt the emotional effects having so little control of my body has on me.

RuthieP

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