HOW DO YOU HANDLE A CHILD WITH ADD WHO DOES NOT WANT HIS GRANDPARENTS OR COUSINS KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM?

Good question. I know that I just strongly advocated for increased education of others as a way to reduce stigma. In this case, I imagine it would be useful if the grandparents and cousins knew about the ADD. That said, the child should be involved in the decision about whether or not the grandparents or cousins are informed. I would be hesitant to educate anyone without the child’s permission (with a young child, 6 or under, the parent often could make the choice alone). If the child does not want to let anyone know, I would spend time trying to understand in detail why the child does not want others to know. If they are embarrassed, I would want to know exactly what they are embarrassed about. If the child is worried that the relatives will not like him anymore, I might encourage him to think of alternative reactions that they might have. It might be that the child needs more practice talking about having ADD or the anticipated reactions of others with parents and/or counselors. If the child is relatively comfortable here, I would see if there was anyone the child felt comfortable beginning the conversation with, a friend, a teacher, a coach, and/or one of the relatives. Practicing the conversation ahead of time may also be useful. Still, at the end of all of this, if the child still does not want to them to know, I would be inclined to support the child in their decision. I would continue to look for opportunities of the sort I talked about in the talk to increase their comfort level over time.

RESENTMENT BUILDS FROM SIBLINGS BECAUSE OF CHILD’S SPECIAL PRIVILEGES

This is a common scenario. Often a child with special needs of any sort receives different privileges and/or a greater amount of parental time and resources. This can be difficult for siblings. I have two suggestions: First suggestion, attempt to eliminate the concept of “fairness” within child rearing. Every child is different. Every child has different needs. As such, every child receives different treatment and has different privileges. Children often make demands for fairness and parents often claim to support this, even while treating different children differently based on their needs. As an alternative, be upfront about the idea that the household is not being run based on fairness, but based on the parent decision of what is best for each child. When issues of fairness are raised, tell your children that fairness is not your goal. Tell them that fairness is not really a realistic goal, but you do have expectations about how they behave in an unfair world. Second suggestion, if possible, schedule individual time with each sibling every week where you do an activity of their interest together. During this time, or at other times, encourage them to talk about their experience having a sibling who needs specialized attention.

TWO PARENTS DISAGREE ABOUT TEENAGER’S RELUCTANCE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR VISIBLE DIFFERENCE. ONE SUPPORT THE RELUCTANCE, ONE ENCOURAGES OPENING UP.
As is clear from the talk, I am an advocate for finding ways for children, teenagers, (and adults) to open up about their differences. Still, I am also an advocate for parents keeping their disagreements about child rearing decisions private from their children. Even if parents cannot resolve the disagreement, it may be better to find a compromise solution. In this case, perhaps it would be that the mother takes an active effort in talking to the teenager about their visible difference while the father takes a neutral stance. On the other hand, maybe the solution would be that the teenager’s solution is supported for now. Adolescents are tough and sometimes the best a parent can do is to let them that you are there to talk if they want to in the future. In this situation, there is not necessarily a clear answer. I encourage a parent who is really stuck to seek support, and perhaps even guidance for themselves.