I have this thing…

Do you know that feeling when you have something to say but you don’t know how to say it? It’s like you know the thoughts and you can feel the emotions, but you don’t know the words.

Every morning you wake up, brush your teeth, put some clothes on, eat some food, go to school or work, meet people, eat food in between, come home, do more work, eat more food, wrap up, and go to sleep only to repeat it all over again the next day, and the day after that, and so on.

And each day when you go through your routine, you think:

Nothing’s wrong

Because the fact is, you can’t put into words exactly what is wrong. It’s like you’re forgetting something.

No, not some ‘thing’, some ‘thought’

And not ‘forgetting’, more like ‘needing to know’

You don’t know what it is you’re supposed to think but it’s there in your brain. It’s an abstract, mind boggling idea churning through you like you’re in the middle of a giant city and you just. Don’t. Know.

You don’t know what you’re supposed to be doing

Or where you are supposed to be going

Or even who you’re supposed to be.

All you know is:

Where you are now.

There is something that has been plaguing me for 9 years. 9 and a half actually. It’s very real, it’s very alive, it’s something that I can’t change. And it’s taken me this long to come to terms with it.

I have this thing, which causes me to be awkward in public—not in what I say, but more in what I do.

I have this thing, which causes people to look at me weirdly—not that I’m disgusting but more like I’m crazy and mental, and not in a good way.

I have this thing which causes me to be so self conscious but at the same time in the heat of the moment I forget I have that thing until someone reminds me with just one look, one laugh, one smirk.

I have this thing…

I have tics.

No, not ticks like from deer that make you break out into rashes and look like a tomato.

According the Merriam Webster a tic is:

Full:

“Local and habitual spasmodic motion of particular muscles especially of the face. A frequent usually unconscious quirk of behavior or speech <”you know” is a verbal tic>”

Simple:

“A small repeated movement of a muscle especially in the face that cannot be controlled. A word or phrase that someone frequently says or an action that someone frequently does without intending to.”

Cannot be controlled. Without intending to. Unconscious.

People don’t see that. All people see are the spasms and the repeated movements and the frequent words or actions. All they see is what annoys them and not what the person is going through—they see the funny weird things that they don’t know about and they laugh, they imitate, they take someone’s weakness and exploit it.

Because that’s all it is…

A thing.

A thing with no cure, a thing that doesn’t go away, a thing I am stuck with for the rest of my life.

I can’t even have a conversation with someone without getting stared at. I know in the other person’s head they’re thinking, “What is that? What is she doing?” because it’s written all over their face.

What am I doing?

I want you to open your eyes, right now, and keep them open…

Still keep them open.

And open

Did you blink yet? Eventually, you will because after some time you will blink naturally. This is how I feel every day. The unexplainable need to go through with the action is, to me, as automatic as blinking is to you.

But what are these actions?

Tics are either motor or vocal. Motor tics consist of nose twitching, hair fixing, obsessive touching, face grimacing, hand stressing, and more. Vocal tics involve grunting, humming, blowing, or saying actual words, like curses. They worsen when under stressful conditions, but are also temporary until the next need arises.

Around 200,000 people in the U.S have the condition, however there is no exact number because many people are not diagnosed. Symptoms typically show in adolescent years and over time, most people improve. This condition isn’t something I just picked up from someone sneezing, its genetic, passed down through many ways but to me specifically, from my aunt.

Treatments include taking drugs that make you feel like you’re drunk.

Sometimes I want to feel like I’m drunk. When I’m all alone in my bedroom on a Friday night because no one wants to be associated with the mental girl. When I’m on my way back from the bathroom and I overhear my cousins laughing at what I was doing, imitating me.  When my parents are yelling at me to stop because they don’t understand that I can’t stop, that I don’t know how to stop. And I don’t know how to tell them, any of them, about what I have.

How do you tell someone that you have a disorder?

Sometimes I feel like I’m gay and I’m coming out of the closet, except I’m not gay and there is no actual closet… I want to scream at the world that I am in fact not crazy, that what I do is not uncommon, that just because I do weird things on the outside doesn’t mean I’m a bad person on the inside. I wish that I could make people understand what I have.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

I miss the me that I was back then. Years ago, when we were all friends—laughing and smiling. Not worried about impressing anyone or our looks or being the best. When we were just. Us.

Now, we worry. We worry about who is dressed the best and who has the most followers on Instagram, and likes, and pictures. We worry about making that shot in basketball to impress a girl or worrying about not tripping over our heels while we are already tripping over our words to impress a guy. We worry and we worry and we worry, about being like everyone else, about fitting in, about being liked and loved, about having friends and being popular. But never do we actually take the time to think about ourselves.

Life is made up of moments. Hard fast and blinding moments and when they pass they pass only to make room for more moments. And those moments make you, You. I have a moment, a hard fast and blinding moment, where I realized I have a thing—a thing that makes me, Me.

Hillsdale Teen Inspires his Community to Tackle Tourette Syndrome

NJCTS Youth Advocate Mike Hayden and T3 co-organizer Meghan McIntyre welcome NJCTS Education Outreach Coordinator Gina Maria Jones at the Teens Tackle Tourette's walk on May 22, 2016.

NJCTS Youth Advocate Mike Hayden and T3 co-organizer Meghan McIntyre welcome NJCTS Education Outreach Coordinator Gina Maria Jones at the Teens Tackle Tourette’s walk.

Mike Hayden is taking his Tourette Syndrome advocacy efforts to the next level.

Tourette Syndrome (TS) is a neurological disorder characterized by involuntary movements or sounds known as tics and is frequently accompanied by other neurological or mental health disorders. 1 in 100 school-age children lives with TS and many report feelings of isolation and have been bullied because of their disorder.

Hayden, now 16-years-old, was diagnosed with TS in fourth grade although he started showing symptoms in kindergarten. In 2012, he decided that he wasn’t going to let his diagnosis hold him back so he stepped up to become a Youth Advocate for the NJ Center for Tourette Syndrome and Associated Disorders, Inc. (NJCTS).

NJCTS Youth Advocates lead presentations about TS in schools and community groups to raise awareness, promote understanding and tolerance, and deliver a strong anti-bullying message. They also present with NJCTS-partner doctors at hospitals to educate medical professionals about TS.

When it was time for Hayden’s honors English class at Pascack Valley High School to choose an issue to which to bring attention for their final project, Hayden shared his personal journey with TS and the class was instantly inspired. They organized the group “Teens Tackle Tourette’s” and spent the school year organizing, promoting, and producing a fundraising walk.

“It was an incredible feeling to know that my class truly cared about this cause,” said Hayden. “They knew it was close to my heart and I had many people tell me that there was no question in their mind that this is the cause they wanted to support. It is amazing that they would support me in raising awareness for this issue that many people are incorrectly educated on.”

Hayden recalled that when his family needed help after he received his TS diagnosis they called NJCTS for education and support. To better educate his classmates, he decided to partner with NJCTS Education Outreach Coordinator Gina Maria Jones and Executive Director Faith Rice for a series of in-class presentations about Tourette Syndrome and associated disorders.

“I figured that if we were going to learn about TS, we might as well get the experts in to help teach us,” said Hayden on reaching out to NJCTS for guidance. “I have had many years of experience with NJCTS, so I know that they are truly the best of the best when it comes to education and outreach.”

The Teens Tackle Tourette’s T3 walk took place on May 22 at the Pascack Valley High School Campus and raised more than $1,120 which was donated to NJCTS. During the walk, there were several guest speakers as well as food, games, and giveaways.

“NJCTS is proud to work with young people who take the initiative to raise awareness,” said Education Outreach Coordinator Gina Maria Jones. “It is because of Youth Advocates like Mike that our Youth Development programs are so successful and we hope that all kids living with TS will follow in his footsteps.”

Soon after hosting the Teens Tackle Tourette’s walk, Hayden led a Youth Advocate presentation to 150 fifth graders at Fairmount School in Hackensack on May 24 and delivered the keynote address at the Dare to Dream Student Leadership Conference at William Paterson University in Wayne, NJ on May 25.

“Youth Advocates like Mike Hayden live out the mission of NJCTS and advance public perception, understanding and acceptance of people with TS and associated disorders,” said NJCTS Executive Director Faith Rice. “We are so proud of everything Mike has accomplished.

BRTV Morning Show interviews Girl Scouts about their efforts to raise awareness of TS

Ilina, Jaclyn, and Cami from Girl Scout Troop 60808 were interviewed by the Bridgewater Raritan High School’s morning news show about their effort to raise awareness for Tourette Syndrome. They want everyone to wear blue on Friday in recognition of Tourette Syndrome Awareness Day in New Jersey on June 4th. Way to go, girls!

Teens tackle Tourette’s with fundraising walk

NJCTS Youth Advocate Mike Hayden inspired his high school English class to organize, promote, and host a TS awareness event with “Teens Tackle Tourette’s.” They recently held their main event by hosting an awareness walk on their HS campus. Over the past few months, NJCTS and Mike have educated his class about Tourette Syndrome and answered questions about the misunderstood disorder. The T3 students are a passionate group and we are so proud of all they have accomplished. Check back soon for more pictures and details.

A group of students enjoy the Teens Tackle Tourette's (T3) walk, held at Pascack Hills High School on Sunday, May 22. The class raised more than $1,120 for the New Jersey Center for Tourette Syndrome. Pascack Hills student Michael Hayden poses with Dr. David Levesque, of Westwood. The two have Tourette syndrome and have made it their mission to spread the word about the disease.

A group of students enjoy the Teens Tackle Tourette’s (T3) walk, held at Pascack Hills High School on Sunday, May 22. The class raised more than $1,120 for the New Jersey Center for Tourette Syndrome. Pascack Hills student Michael Hayden poses with Dr. David Levesque, of Westwood. The two have Tourette syndrome and have made it their mission to spread the word about the disease.

Read the story in Pascack Valley Community Life.

Watch NJCTS Youth Advocate Tess Kowalski’s interview on ABC’ NJ Viewpoint

We are so proud of NJCTS Youth Advocate Tess Kowalski and Tim Kowalski who were interviewed by ABC’s Ken Rosato for NJ Viewpoint. Thank you for representing NJCTS and for all you continue to do to raise Tourette Syndrome awareness! If you missed the segment that aired on Sunday you can watch it here. Bravo!

Watch for One of The GreaTS on ABC’s NJ Viewpoint

We are so proud of NJCTS Youth Advocate Tess Kowalski and Tim Kowalski who were recently interviewed by ABC’s Ken Rosato for NJ Viewpoint. Thank you for representing NJCTS and for all you continue to do to raise Tourette Syndrome awareness! Tune in to ABC on May 29 at 5:30am. And in case you miss it, we’ll be sharing the clip here too. #StandWithTheGreaTS

ABC Host Ken Rosato interviewed NJCTS Youth Advocate Tess Kowalski and Tim Kowalski for an upcoming episode of NJ Viewpoint.

ABC Host Ken Rosato interviewed NJCTS Youth Advocate Tess Kowalski and Tim Kowalski for an upcoming episode of NJ Viewpoint.

ABC Host Ken Rosato sits down with Tim and Tess Kowalski and John Miller of the Tourette Association of America to discuss TS advocacy in the region.

ABC Host Ken Rosato sits down with Tim and Tess Kowalski of NJCTS and John Miller of the Tourette Association of America to discuss TS advocacy in the region.

NJCTS Youth Advocate Mary Kate Donahue delivers keynote address at Dare to Dream Conference

NJCTS Youth Advocate Mary Kate Donahue delivered the keynote address at the 2016 Dare to Dream Student Leadership Conference at Stockton University on May 9.

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This wasn’t Mary Kate’s first rodeo. She is an accomplished speaker and children’s book author and she loves sharing her story. As a student at Stockton University, she was honored to have the opportunity to inspire high school students visiting her campus.

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“This was an amazing experience,” said Mary Kate. “The kids were awesome and ready to be educated. They were so eager to learn and they are the reason I love doing things like this!”

We’re proud of you, Mary Kate! You are One of The GreaTS!

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NJCTS Youth Advocate Mary Kate Donahue with Dare to Dream MC LeDerick Horne

 

NJCTS Youth Advocate Tess Kowalski delivers keynote address at Dare to Dream Conference

Dare to dream

NJCTS Youth Advocate Tess Kowalski delivered a moving keynote address at the 2016 Dare to Dream Student Leadership Conference at Mercer County Community College on April 29.

The New Jersey Department of Education, Office of Special Education Programs sponsors regional Dare to Dream Student Leadership conferences that highlight strategies and information to prepare high school students with disabilities for college and career readiness. Each conference features keynote presentations from accomplished students and young adults with disabilities who have demonstrated exemplary self-advocacy and leadership skills.

As teens and young adults living with Tourette Syndrome—a misunderstood, misdiagnosed neurological disorder characterized by involuntary sounds and movements known as tics—NJCTS Youth Advocates are uniquely positioned to speak to and inspire others who are overcoming obstacles. Advocates are trained to educate others about Tourette Syndrome promoting acceptance, tolerance, self-advocacy, and leadership.

“Tess did an outstanding job at the Mercer conference,” said Bob Haugh, Project Coordinator for Dare to Dream. And we couldn’t agree more!

NJCTS Youth Advocate Tess Kowalski delivers keynote address at the Dare to Dream conference at Mercer County Community College.

NJCTS Youth Advocate Tess Kowalski delivers keynote address at the Dare to Dream conference at Mercer County Community College.

NJCTS Youth Advocate featured on ABC’s “Protect Our Children” special

PROTECT_OUR_CHILDREN_Date Time WABCOn April 16th, ABC aired the, “PROTECT OUR CHILDREN: COPING, STRESS, & MOVING FORWARD” special hosted by Eyewitness News Anchor, Diana Williams. This special describes what experts are referring to as an epidemic of stress-related problems plaguing our children. It’s not easy being a kid these days and the American Psychological Association says one in three teens is stressed. Doctors report they are treating kids as young as six for Migraines and Ulcers. NJCTS Youth Advocate Tom Licato of South Plainfield, NJ, was featured in the program along with other young people dealing with physical, mental, and economic stress-related problems.

“Meeting a 17 year old High School Junior on a mission to educate others about Tourette Syndrome, he’s clearly a leader and a powerful advocate,” said the special’s producer, Jeelu Billimoria. “Finally being diagnosed in 6th grade was a relief for him and he continues to be treated at Overlook Medical Center’s Neuroscience Institute.”

Click here to watch one of NJCTS’s finest advocates on ABC.

 

Youth Advocate Tess speaks to doctors at Hunterdon Medical Center

Last week, NJCTS Youth Advocate Tess Kowalski and NJCTS partner doctor Harvey Bennett, MD, Goryeb Children’s Hospital, engaged the doctors at Hunterdon Medical Center with a powerful Grand Rounds presentation. After Dr. Bennett gave an overview of Tourette Syndrome and the associated disorders from a medical perspective, Tess and her father, Tim, shared their personal experiences with TS.

Tess and other NJCTS Youth Advocates like her are helping the medical community deepen their understanding of the needs of patients with TS and their families. Way to go, Tess!

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