The future

Hey everyone, this first appeared on my Life’s A Twitch blog site back in July, but I wanted to share it here, too. Thanks for reading!

I’m kind of in a rough spot right now. I used to always have everything planned out. I knew my future and I knew what I wanted. Now that I’m getting closer to college, I’m not sure what I want to do anymore. It’s really affecting me. I like to have everything planned out right away. It’s part of my OCD. I live about three years in the future constantly. I can’t see anything in front of me.

I’m going into junior year of high school and I feel like I’m starting sophomore year of college. I do not see a computer in front of me. I see a small laptop in a tiny dorm room. I don’t see three large windows next to me. I see a loft bed and tons of textbooks. I can’t live in the present. It’s not how I work.

I need to live so far ahead that I know everything is going to be OK. I am going to be 16 years old in two months and I do not know how to drive. I have not even considered Drivers Ed in the past because of my Tourette’s. I have driven before on a few back roads, and it was terrifying. I kept taking my hands off the wheel and my eyes off the road to tic. Driving is a sort of trigger for tics.

As you already know, I don’t live in the present. Three years from now, in college, I need to be able to know how to drive. I can’t drive at the moment and I need to be able to. It is all a part of the plan. If I look farther in the future, I need to drive to my job, right?

All of you know it is true. Everyone has to do it. Go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, retire, die. This is how life works. I want to go to college, get a job, get married, and have kids, but how can I? My Tourette’s is in the way of everything.

I know a lot of people with Tourette’s say they can drive, but I can’t. I’ve tried. If I can’t drive, I can’t conform to a normal life. Maybe I’m not meant to do things the normal way.

My Tourettes has been really bad lately. I don’t know how I’m getting through it, but I am. I haven’t been depressed for a while now, thankfully, but suicide has crossed my mind. It crosses every person’s mind though, doesn’t it?

What isn’t so normal is that today I got really stressed out about my future and then it started blurring. I didn’t want to have a plan anymore. It all seemed to be falling apart. How in the world could I accomplish anything I wanted to do? What did I even want to do?

I started planning a suicide. I think a lot of people do that, though. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m part of the not so many that actually stress out to the point that they start planning their own demise. I was so sure that tonight I was going to swallow a bunch of pills and it would all be gone. Everything would be gone. I would be gone. I wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore. I wouldn’t have to tic. I wouldn’t get depressed from time to time. I wouldn’t be planning everything in my future, because I wouldn’t have a future. It sounded so nice to be done with everything.

Even so, there are so many repercussions from a suicide. I’m sure my family would be devastated. I’m sure my friends would be upset. A lot of times when the thoughts come to me, I think that no one loves me and that no one would care if I was gone.

Today the thoughts did not come. It was nothing like the times I was depressed out of my mind. It was not like when I felt worthless. It was different. I was stressed out of my mind and upset. I wanted to be gone. When I was able to calm down, I was still thinking about a suicide, but after putting everything into perspective, I decided against it.

I still don’t really know what my future holds, and that scares me. I like control. I like being able to know where everything and everyone is and everything that is going to happen. I don’t like that my future is shaky and blurry and that I can’t see into it. I don’t have a definite future, and it’s so frightening. I feel stressed, not in control, and unhappy, but most of all, I feel scared.

Against Bullying and Suicide

1002111_222158214575267_1012190192_nHi everyone! I have a favor to ask of you. One of my friends started a page called Against Bullying and Suicide on Facebook and is needing more people to like her page. If you could please go over there and like her page, it would mean both a lot to her and to me. Also, you can share your stories on their and reach out to other people. Thank you all so much! ūüôā

Cure Tourette Syndrome and the ignorance of it

I wish more people would take the time to spread pictures of awareness for Tourette. People don’t understand how ridiculed we are. Did you know more kids commit suicide that have Tourette than those who are gay? Probably not, because you never hear about that.

I believe love is love and think everyone should have rights, but I also have strong feelings of my own seeing so many friends posting these equal signs knowing that more than half of them wouldn’t do the same for TS. Not that its something to fight over, I just wish we had more love and acceptance than hatred and ignorance.

You don’t know until it’s you… I’ve had multiple people go in public with me and afterward say, “Wow, I had no idea people were so rude.”

Props to JohannaJ for this image!

10022_362589630516363_1602150444_n

Comments about depression and suicide, part 2

Hey everyone! There has been a big problem I would like to address that I started addressing in yesterday’s blog. I’m sure it hasn’t just been happening in my school or even¬†just my state. The problem is this not so new¬†but is now a very¬†popular saying. Kids say it jokingly all the time nowadays, and they don’t understand how it can affect people. The saying?

Go kill yourself.

Oh, yes. Unbelievable, right? If you answered no, then listen to this. Kids may be saying it in a “joking” tone, but you’d be incredibly surprised by the amount of people who consider it when you tell them to kill themselves. I know people who have attempted suicide, and it’s no joke. It’s not funny. I cringe every time I hear this “joke” in the hallways.

Also, there’s the saying kids will just say like it’s no big deal all the time. “Kill myself” or just “KMS”. Dropped my pencil? Kill myself. Wrote that word down wrong? KMS! Nothing good in the cafeteria? Ugh, kill my freaking self.

Someone took my seat? LOL, KM freaking S!

Well, I’m not “LOLing”. Suicide isn’t a joke. Maybe you think I’m overreacting, and if you do, come back and read this after you’ve felt suicidal and depressed, had two or more friends and a family member attempt suicide, then had¬†to live with it feeling like it was your fault. Yeah, read this after that if you think I’m freaking overreacting. Because I’m not overreacting. Continue reading

Comments about depression and suicide, part 1

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven’t written in a while, but I was diagnosed with depression a few months ago and I’ve just been trying to deal with it.¬†Quite a few people recently bombed one of my videos about suicide and depression. I shall discuss all of their antics.

Why do you bash that girl for whining about her life, then whine about your life when you have so much? Has it ever occurred to you how privileged you are?

This is the first comment to speak of. If you have seen the video, I obviously did not “bash” this young lady. I only stated facts of what happens when she is at my lunch table. Second of all, I was not whining about my life. I only meant to discuss my latest feelings and try to help others.

The first sentence does not bother me at all. This person is clearly ignorant and wasted two seconds of my life by having me read it. The second statement states how clearly privileged I am, even though this person has never met me in his or her entire life.

Yes, I am very privileged. I have a great life even if I am suffering quite a few disorders. I don’t discuss quite a few aspects of my life on YouTube or my blog, since they are much too personal and would not in any way help others. I must admit that one of the things I do not discuss could help others by me discussing it, but I am not ready to reveal that part of my life yet.

Tourette is something most people can easily tell I have, but the aspect I’d rather not speak of is not noticeable at all. I will gladly discuss anything about Tourette, OCD, anxiety disorder and depression, though. Continue reading

WE NEED MORE AWARENESS!

10022_362589630516363_1602150444_nI wish more people would take the time to spread pictures of awareness for Tourette. People don’t understand how ridiculed we are. Did you know more kids commit suicide that have Tourette than those who are gay? Probably not, because you never hear about that.

I believe love is love and think everyone should have rights, but I also have strong feelings of my own seeing so many friends posting these equal signs knowing that more than half of them wouldn’t do the same for TS. Not that it’s something to fight over, I just wish we had more love an acceptance than hatred and ignorance.

You don’t know until it’s you… I’ve had multiple people go in public with me and afterward say, “Wow, I had no idea people were so rude.” Think about it…

Vlogs: 5 new ones about topics that come up for people with TS

  • A lot of people who have Tourette Syndrome or other neurological disorders get put down, so they try to put themselves down or even harm themselves. This video is about self-harm.
  • Suicide is not a topic people like to talk about, but those kind of thoughts go through many teenagers’ minds, including those who have TS.
  • October was National Bullying Prevention Month. Here’s a video about bullying.
  • Soooo many people struggle with depression. You don’t have to have TS to have issues with depression, but many people with TS do.
  • Something else a lot of people with TS and conditions such as anxiety struggle with is being impulsive, or doing things without thinking them through.